Monday, September 13, 2010

Peer Through My Window of Grief

keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss
painful regret
a cause
or occasion of keen distress or sorrow

In the last 7 weeks my thoughts on grief have been radically

In the last 49 days I've learned there's no
In the last 1176 hours my heart has

On July 6th we were so excited to learn about our second child's conception
On July 19th we were so excited to share the news with our families
On July 25th we were so shocked to wake up to heavy bleeding... to spend the morning in the ER instead of church, to go home without any good answers, to physically hurt while trying to remain optimistic while really feeling there was no hope
On July 26th we were so brokenhearted when I was sure I had passed our little one from my body
On July 27th we were so sad when we had our worst fears confirmed

What a difference 3 weeks makes

But during this time I have still been learning...

I will never shy away from grief of the grieving again
The care and concern shown us by our church family emotionally, spiritually, and physically were more important to me than anything anyone has done for me before
The cards and emails sent from friends and family still adorn our dresser, reminding us that we have friends who are walking with us
The ability to be honest about how I was/am feeling has been freeing
The knowledge that there are those willing to listen if I want to talk, or willing to ignore the pain if I want a reprieve - bliss

I will never expect someone's grief to follow rules
There's no pattern
There's no right or wrong
It doesn't end on a set date
No one is the same and no one knows exactly how they would react in a similar situation

I will never again take for granted my healthy, beautiful, vibrant daughter
A pregnancy
A life
A conception

I will never again think I have the answers or try to offer trite words
During pain
During loss
During confusion

I will never again think one quick word is enough
A week later it still hurts
A month later it still hurts

I will never again place any expectations on the grieving
Plans will change and that will be okay
Things may be missed and that will be okay
It isn't a personal attack on those not directly involved and they need to be okay

I will never have the same thrill when I hear about pregnancy
My own, or someone else's
It will always have a tinge of fear coloring the joy
Or perhaps even a trickle of jealousy running through

I will never have the same number of pregnancies that I have children
There will always be one missing

I will never have my questions answered
At least, not in this world
But I will choose to look forward

I will never be the same
But I will go on
Through God's grace and mercy
With His strength alone, since mine is all gone

I will never give up trusting Him
Because without Him, what would be the point
Because without Him, how could I carry on
Because without Him I am nothing and can do nothing
But with Him I can do all things as He strengthens me

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength,
But sometimes I wonder what He can do through me;
No great success to show, No glory on my own,
Yet in my weakness He is there to let me know . . .

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;

He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

We can only know

The power that He holds
When we truly see how deep our weakness goes;
His strength in us begins
Where ours comes to an end.
He hears our humble cry and proves again . . .


Rachel said...

I am so very sorry, Amy & Mike. Reading this post brings it all back for me, too. I know. If you ever want to talk or e-mail, I'm here. May you find comfort in Him.

Beth said...

Amy, you are a gift. Thank you for being so authentic. We love you and Mike and continue to pray that your hearts will be healed. Praying specifically today that the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Christina said...

So sorry for your loss. Only time and God will heal. You are in my prayers.

Jen D said...

Oh, Amy, I am so sorry. Through tears, I am praying for God's strength and comfort for you and Mike. Thank you for posting and reminding me how precious our families and children are.

Becky said...

Amy, my prayers are with you, Mike and Bekah. We also lost a baby before we had Abbie and I know the emotional rollercoaster you go on when you are grieving a child you never met. I'm praying for emotional and physical healing and that the Lord would just hold you in His arms as He is also holding your little one. Thank you for posting this and putting words to what many moms feel.

J mom said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. God be ever present with your family!

brenda said...

What an honor to your baby to bless so many with this beautiful expression of your grief and this deeper perspective of your emotions and your faith, what an honor to your Savior to to praise Him in this storm ~ Thank you for sharing this, know that I too am praying for you...

Jamie said...

Oh Amy, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and Mike!

Nick + Amber said...

Hi Amy - I have never posted, but I feel connected to your post. I am so incredibly sorry to hear of your loss. It's very painful. We lost our first child at 11 weeks. So many of your thoughts were the same ones we had. Time and God do heal. We never forgot and it still brings up a lot of sadness when we talk about our lost baby, but with one foot in front of the other, and with God on your side, you will be okay. Take all the time you need, and cling to Him.

Btw, we went to NWC together although we never met (we do have some mutual friends, thus how I discovered your blog). I now live in Mason City, and hear your husband on the radio every day.

take care, and please email me if you have any questions or want to chat. Feel free to read my blog too, if it helps. I have written quite a bit about our miscarriage. My personal email is

One hymn that we heard the weekend after we lost our baby was "Be Still My Soul". Maybe these lyrics will help you as well.

Amber (Wilson) Kmoch

sunnymum said...

~Hugs~ Our second child is also in Heaven with a similar story. Our prayers are with you and your family.