A Full Gamut of Feelings

Some days I can't believe I'm pregnant but then some days I can't believe I'm not 26 weeks pregnant instead of almost 16

Some days I'm so excited to be having another baby that I forget I lost one a few months ago but other days I just wish I was able to meet that little guy

Some days I can't remember what it's like to even have a newborn and then on other days I just want the baby here so we can be a family of 4

Some days I wish I was almost done being pregnant and then other days I realize that means life will be even different

Some days I'm positive that I don't want to find out "what we're having" since we didn't with Bekah and the surprise was fun but then other days I freak out wondering what happens if we have no appropriate clothing if we have a boy - although, really, does it matter since everything we have is heavy and wintery warm and this baby will be born in the spring?

ACK.

Peer Through My Window of Grief

keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss
sharp sorrow painful regret
a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow

In the last 7 weeks my thoughts on grief have been radically

challenged
and
changed

In the last 49 days I've learned there's no

wrong
or
right

In the last 1176 hours my heart has

broken
and
healed
and
broken
and
healed

On July 6th we were so excited to learn about our second child's conception
On July 19th we were so excited to share the news with our families
On July 25th we were so shocked to wake up to heavy bleeding... to spend the morning in the ER instead of church, to go home without any good answers, to physically hurt while trying to remain optimistic while really feeling there was no hope
On July 26th we were so brokenhearted when I was sure I had passed our little one from my body
On July 27th we were so sad when we had our worst fears confirmed

What a difference 3 weeks makes

But during this time I have still been learning...

I will never shy away from grief of the grieving again
The care and concern shown us by our church family emotionally, spiritually, and physically were more important to me than anything anyone has done for me before
The cards and emails sent from friends and family still adorn our dresser, reminding us that we have friends who are walking with us
The ability to be honest about how I was/am feeling has been freeing
The knowledge that there are those willing to listen if I want to talk, or willing to ignore the pain if I want a reprieve - bliss

I will never expect someone's grief to follow rules
There's no pattern
There's no right or wrong
It doesn't end on a set date
No one is the same and no one knows exactly how they would react in a similar situation

I will never again take for granted my healthy, beautiful, vibrant daughter
A pregnancy
A life
A conception

I will never again think I have the answers or try to offer trite words
During pain
During loss
During confusion

I will never again think one quick word is enough
A week later it still hurts
A month later it still hurts
...

I will never again place any expectations on the grieving
Plans will change and that will be okay
Things may be missed and that will be okay
It isn't a personal attack on those not directly involved and they need to be okay

I will never have the same thrill when I hear about pregnancy
My own, or someone else's
It will always have a tinge of fear coloring the joy
Or perhaps even a trickle of jealousy running through

I will never have the same number of pregnancies that I have children
There will always be one missing

I will never have my questions answered
At least, not in this world
But I will choose to look forward

I will never be the same
But I will go on
Through God's grace and mercy
With His strength alone, since mine is all gone

I will never give up trusting Him
Because without Him, what would be the point
Because without Him, how could I carry on
Because without Him I am nothing and can do nothing
But with Him I can do all things as He strengthens me

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength,
But sometimes I wonder what He can do through me;
No great success to show, No glory on my own,
Yet in my weakness He is there to let me know . . .

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

We can only know
The power that He holds
When we truly see how deep our weakness goes;
His strength in us begins
Where ours comes to an end.
He hears our humble cry and proves again . . .